Wednesday, 18 September 2013


3 years ago I was 19 years old.... I met a very charming 20 year old. He had just gotten out of a relationship heart broken. I fell for him and the first three months were perfect and he told me he wanted to be with me forever. 

4 months into the relationship he hit me for the first time I hit him back so he hit me harder, we stopped talking and then he came back apologizing telling me he would never again and has never hit a girl before. he told me that he loved me and I believed him. Going back to him was the worst mistake. And that started the cycle of fighting and (what my psychologist called) "the honeymoon phase". Whenever I would try to leave him he'd manipulating me into staying with him. He'd either threaten me, tell me no one will ever love me, no could ever put up with me, or he'd tell me that he wants to marry me someday. He used to tell me the only reason he would put me down, criticize me, or hit me is so that i could become better. I could become better so I can be marry him and that I could be with him. 

Some people would criticize me and say I'm weak. I just wanted to love someone and he was really good at manipulating me. He knew every weakness I had and he had me wrapped around his finger. It was only after i left him for good that i realized that he needed me, he needed to push me down to feel like he was in control. He isolated me from my friends and family so that he became my whole world. My life revolved around him. He would keep putting me down and making me feel bad about myself so I would believe that no one could love me but him. The whole relationship was built on him having control over me. He would give me just enough hope and love so that I would stay with him.

Anyone at any age or any gender can get into a relationship like this. No one is immune. Narcissists are charming and they know how to control and manipulate a person. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Abuse is abuse there is never and will never be an excuse for abuse. If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship do anything in your power to get out of it. 

I'm not the first person and sadly not the last person to go through this. I ended it 8 months ago, it took me this long to realize it's not about me. This is who he is. Throughout our relationship every time we fought and every time he hit me he'd blame me. He would say I'm the one he drove him to act that way or speak that way to me. I'm the reason he's angry all the time. Now I know because I have talked to people who have been through the same thing. It's them it's not you. For a person to abuse another person there is something wrong with them. Their personality needs to put you down in order to be in control. 

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Me - smile :)

If you see me, you will almost always see a smile on my face. Not a fake smile I really try my very best to be happy and make the people around me happy. Life is too short not to smile. And when I can make someone smile it highlights my day. Everyone goes through their own struggles everyday, some people talk about it and others hide it. No matter what your struggle is I just want a moment of your time I just want to make you laugh or smile.

I have been faced with moments in my life where I just wanted to give up and let go of life. And many times I have drowned myself in alcohol or attention. People would tell me that my mistakes are small and there are much worse situations i could be in. That doesn't help it used to make me feel guilty, I can't help being sad. What did help me is writing about what I am going through or going out of a walk, giving someone a compliment, making someone smile.

You have to work through your mistakes and face them. Never give up. At the end people will remember you for your perseverance and your smile throughout.

Smile to life! <3